Why French People Say Bonjour… and Then Ignore You: A Guide to Politeness in France

“Bonjour !” (the most politeness in France)says your neighbor every morning in the hallway, without ever asking your name. At the boulangerie, the cashier greets you with a polite “Bonjour” but looks shocked if you skip it. And when your colleague asks, “Ça va ?”, they’ve already turned around before you can answer.

Welcome to the wonderful world of politeness in France — where words matter, silence speaks, and the rules are not always written. If you’re an expat spouse trying to decode French interactions, this guide is for you!

“Bonjour” Is Mandatory… but Not an Invitation

In France, saying bonjour is sacred. It’s not optional. It’s not just a “hi.” It’s a sign of respect, a door opener to any interaction — even the shortest one.

Example:
You enter a shop. You don’t say “Bonjour.” The shopkeeper ignores you.
You say “Bonjour” — suddenly, they’re helpful and friendly.

🇫🇷 Tip: Always say “Bonjour” to your neighbors, baker, pharmacist, bus driver… even the dog-walker you pass in the park.

And yet — this “Bonjour” rarely leads to conversation. It’s not a sign of friendliness, but of respect for social boundaries.

“Ça va?” Doesn’t Mean They Care (Sorry!)

Another cultural mystery: the French “Ça va ?”
It’s short, casual, automatic — and often, rhetorical. The real goal? A polite rhythm, not a real exchange.

Example:
French person: “Salut, ça va ?”
You: “Well actually, I’ve been a bit sick, and the kids—”
French person (already gone): “…Bonne journée !”

🇫🇷 Tip: Just reply “Ça va, et toi ?” — even if your dog ran away and your dishwasher exploded.

Why the French Seem Cold (They’re Not)

To some expats, French people seem distant. But once you understand the unwritten rules, it’s just another kind of warm.

• They don’t smile to strangers? True — smiling without reason is seen as fake.

• They don’t ask personal questions? Also true — they wait until they know you better.

• They don’t hug? Most of the time, no — they kiss on the cheeks… after a while.

🇫🇷 Tip: If they invite you for coffee, they probably like you. That’s big.

The Importance of “Vous” Before “Tu”

You might want to sound friendly and approachable — and jump straight to “tu.” Big mistake.

In France, using “tu” without being invited to do so can be perceived as too casual, even rude.

Example:
At the doctor’s office: “Tu peux m’examiner maintenant ?”
🫣 Not recommended.

🇫🇷 Tip: Always use “vous” until the person says, “On peut se tutoyer ?” (Can we use “tu”?) It’s not you — it’s cultural!

Small Talk? Not So Much. Observation? Yes.

In the U.S. or the U.K., small talk is a social glue. In France, it’s… less common. People don’t talk to strangers unless there’s a good reason.

Example:
You chat to someone on the metro about their shoes.
They look at you like you’re slightly mad.

🇫🇷 Tip: Want to connect? Compliment a pastry, not a person.

How to Embrace Politeness in France (and Feel More French)

Here’s how to blend in and enjoy the French way:

• Say “Bonjour” every time. Even to the cat 😅.

• Use “merci,” “s’il vous plaît,” “excusez-moi” — constantly.

• Keep things formal… until invited to relax.

• Don’t overshare right away.

• Accept the rhythm: slow to start, but deep once you’re in.

Soon, you’ll be the one saying “Ça va ?” while walking away, and not even noticing it.

Conclusion – Be Polite, Be Patient, Be Curious

French politeness is like a dance. At first, you may step on a few toes. But once you learn the rhythm, it becomes natural — even elegant. Politeness in France is really patr of the culture.

And don’t worry, if you say Bonjour with a smile, you’re already halfway French 😀.

🇫🇷 Want to practice real-life French interactions?
Join our Stroll and Learn workshops at Absolutely French – a unique, immersive way to discover Paris and the culture behind the language.

And as Jean Pruvost says it well: “La politesse est une affaire de coeur ❤️”

FAQ

1. Is it rude not to say “Bonjour” in France?
Yes. Even if you don’t speak French, a simple “Bonjour” is expected in shops, elevators, or doctor’s offices.

2. Why don’t the French smile at strangers?
Because in France, smiling has meaning. People smile at someone they know — not randomly. It’s cultural, not unkind.

3. Can I use “tu” with children or waiters?
With children, yes. With waiters or service staff — use “vous” unless they use “tu” first.

About Absolutely French

Absolutely French is the first French language school dedicated to the integration of expatriate spouses and expatriates, in Paris.

Our mission: help you feel at home in Paris through immersive, joyful, and cultural learning experiences.
www.absolutelyfrench.com